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unicornsandfairydust

I believe there is nothing that tea and cake cannot fix! Join me in rediscovering the simple things in life

The bitch that keeps giving

so today a situation pushed me over the edge and i’m not even sure its a justified enough event to push me over the edge. I even asked the girls if I was insane for feeling the way I did.

when your boyfriends, friends girlfriend has just sparked a friendship with his ex-wife I think its enough to send anyone crazy

I’m sitting here wondering if she showed her my instagram, did they mock me for my daft posts? take the piss out of me the way i take the piss out of her. see this is why its ridiculous because I do it too

I’m here waiting for him to come home so i can actually talk about this with a sane person but hes soo laidback hell just say “ignore it, so what if they know each other” I’ve deleted my instagram and deactivated my Facebook because I literally have no more of myself to give for the outside world to criticise. I don’t do this blog to get likes or comments it is literally a space to vent my feelings

This is the bitch that keeps rearing her head and making me doubt my relationship

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I never sent it

Ive agonised over writing and sending this letter to you, some said send it and others said don’t but you know me, ill do what i want anyway! its a letter i would love to receive and words i would love to have written about me so it would be a waste if you never got to read it
Let me say before you read it its not  an ‘i love you, i want you back’ its a ‘you were a game changer, thanks for everything, my life and loves will never be the same’ kinda letter.
i also hope that if you do respond it wont be a cold ‘I’m a big boy, I’ve been totally sweet since you left’ response. i do hope you can still share your vulnerability and humility with me because its only us. Don’t feel that you have to respond either, I just know I need to send this for me to finally shut the door

as of recently all the ties have been cut so we are now officially perfect strangers

I knew this would be rough but I never thought it would be quite this bad! thats in reference to both the whole year without you and now having no reason to retain a connection with you
There are so many things left unsaid and so many opinions I didnt get to hear!On one hand I’ve done everything to separate myself from you and have kept contact to an absolute minimum so this was clean cut for both of us yet somehow I still can’t delete the photos of you off my phone…. I dont even look at them but there’s an odd comfort in just knowing they are there! proof that at some point we did actually exist as a couple!  At times it felt like i wasnt supposed to cut ties with you because fate was working in wonderful ways like one day i would split our phone bill and the next day id bump into someone from your band, I realise this makes me sound like a nutjob but honestly stupid events like this happened time and time again, I was being tested to the max
Just over a year ago I Thought i was on track for marriage, mortgage and babies and now I couldn’t be further from that, its almost like I couldn’t  have it with you so i feel no one else will be good enough, therefore theres no point desiring it at all!  There’s soo much I miss about u especially how stupid u look when u whistle and I wonder what things are like now, how big is lexi, is neiler still as handsome, i miss giving him his wake up calls and just generally torturing him , do dad and Kim ever talk/ask about me?
 I loved the comfort of walking into their house as if it was home. I miss the contentness of us, it was all so easy!
Now there’s a whole getting to know someone, the effort is too great and the reward is just too little!
 Although I’ve had plenty of moments of utter despair and crying on my granny’s kitchen floor( this did actually happen) I’ve been forced to find, make and see what makes me truely happy. Iknow for sure if you met me now I wouldn’t be the person you remember but still ud be proud! Like this year I took part in the marathon and drove to From cairnryan to kinross with no sat nav. Im feeling pretty fearless!
 I treasure my friends, they are number one priority,  my days are packed and I’ve spent more time outside uk this year than in it!’ve got my friends and lifestyle, I’m not ready for love yet nor am I seeking it but I can’t wait for the right person to come and fill that void. I may have to settle for some non redhead babies As there aren’t enough gingers in the world to give me my redheads babies
I know that you have her now, and that’s all I know about her, purely that she’s exists… I know no name or age etc and I’m so glad about that!  If I knew anything else I’d probably want to seek her out just to make my own comparisons haha guess who sounds like the crazy ex?!? Not crazy, It’s just human nature! I really hope you’re relationship is more of a compromise than ours was because I know you’ll never admit it but trust me you got away with murder, I was just what I thought u wanted me to be, and just let you do your own thing, head off to band football lodge then just see me when you had a free night, never again will I take that and you should never again take someone for granted like that!
When I told you I wanted out and we agreed that we were done I never imagined that that was the last time we would have a proper conversation or the last time you would say I love you! I never regret the decision, because I know for sure that separately we are growing soo much more than we ever would together but still, I doubt ill ever find love like yours again.
I really don’t know where the need for this letter cane from i suppose this feels like the proper goodbye now that everything is seperated…. I also don’t think you realise how much I love you, I will forever! You dont just leave someone after four years and get away scot free, i think of you all the time
It’s funny because now when I think if our relationship I can only remember the good and the love so I will always speak fondly of you
We are my greatest disappointment but I’m still so grateful that  i had you even if it wasn’t for always!
I hope you’re happy and that life is super duper kind to you because you deserve the very best! We may not have been perfect for each other but you are a pretty perfect little being!
 If at any point you see me out and about or just fancy seeing how I am…. Always approach,  I will forever have time for you

Love and miss you x

rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and fairy dust

Does he even??

I claim to be a positive, happy, optimist (more of a realist) person who has a never dulling sparkle and floats about on air sprinkling fairy dust but recently this couldn’t be further from the truth! To even claim this would  class me as a fake, id be one of those people with the perfect fake Facebook  life and we all know how annoying they are

I feel like I’m in a hole I can’t get out of, I am hating my job, I’m working crazy hours a mixture of days and nights, I have no desire to exercise, no lust for my boyfriend,  zero desire for sex or anything really. It seems all I’m doing is working and then spending the night with my face in my phone
I know I’m in a rut and even deactivated Facebook last night to see if I could force myself out of the constant spiral of ‘scroll down’ where I’m always just waiting on some shocking status for a gossip/entertainment fix

I have discussed this with my boyfriend as I think it’s a case of boredom, we have no hobbies that we enjoy doing together so when work is done we just slouch in front of the TV rather than going for walks, or exercising or being a little romantic and having an early night.
We don’t live together so very often we have the attitude of we don’t have time because when he gets to mine it’s maybe already 7pm and we still have to make dinner

Talking to him about this or anything Really which I feel  needs adressed, almost feels like a waste of time. He’s so vacant, he listens but he never feeds
back or reassures. He knows how unhappy I am at the moment but has made no special effort to give me a boost. No check in texts through the day, no special effort when we see each other, no spontaneity, no increased intimacy
It’s as if he’s just a friend here to listen to my problems but not really support me out of them
So then I just find myself thinking does he even care? Is he even interested? Is this as hard as he can love? Is this all I deserve?

?

rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and fairy dust

You need to start somewhere

I have always written bits and bobs whether it’s in my notes on my phone or actual pen to paper journal type pieces, now I need a platform to put them all!
The anonymity of this platform will allow me to express my true self with no fear, I reckon it will be the first time I’ve been really honest.
I need no feedback or conversation, just a place to see the words in my head written out in form.

I see life full of rainbows and butterflies, all travelling around on our unicorns sprinkling fairy dust wherever we go, this however is an impossible task 100% of the time. Unless we self care and self medicate with the likes of writing, nature, alone time, reading and sleeping (a lot) I do not believe we can function at our happiest without these outlets to relieve the stress, worry, sadness and anger.

I spent a lot of time being unhappy and just floating along so now it’s time to strive for success and happiness.

Lots of fairy dust xxx

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